maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
