After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
