As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
