you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
