i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
