The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
