R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
