Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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