if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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