There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
