fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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