just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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