4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
