if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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