so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
