Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
what the fuck happened to the tacos
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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