When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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