Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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