Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
