Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
True strength comes from lack of pants
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
