I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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