Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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