this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
