You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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