dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
