Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
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One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
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You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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