I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize
