youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
