I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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