allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
