It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
