What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
