I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
love makes seman taste better
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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