I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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