I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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