you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
