I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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