for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
