Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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