her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
