There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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