i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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