This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
