It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
