and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
