I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
