the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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