I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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