I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
