I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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