I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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