I think I died a long time ago.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
