On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
