My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
