i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
