We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
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I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
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Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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