The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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